bill spencer has posted 15 comments
Comments from an American whose great grandmother was born in a sod house in Kansas: I liked the "shouldn't oughta," I used to talk that way in high school sometimes. I also like the voice. Side note: interesting that a lot of people like this, and also liked my native American story. Is it something appealing about a voice that is more unrefined and therefore more authentic?
Posted 10 years ago on Ode to Billie Joe I keep telling myself I...
LOL, remind me not to ask you for a date.
Posted 10 years ago on Eyes like sapphires. That's what you said. Damn...
I liked "gelatinous" particularly
Posted 10 years ago on You sit in the water. You are silent. You can...
Nothing like a really upbeat ending! (joke). I like a lot of things about this. Don't be too anxious to see your name in print. When you do, you just see your name and no one else much notices or cares and nothing else changes. Well, that's how it seems to me, anyway.
Posted 10 years ago on As she approached the foot of the steps that led...
All the information is there, lots of stuff is there, and for me it seems like a really interesting situation, with great dynamics. The difficulty (just my opinion, worth about what you're paying for it) is that you've got a really complicated multi-step situation, and now you've got to figure out a way of telling it that works for the reader. So much of the story is embedded in all the "tell" of that first long paragraph "Yes, he wasn't picked out." One approach might be to take each of the steps you summarize there and actually dramatize them, show them happening so the reader can see for himself the situation and the outcome. Wouldn't that be a lot of work? You bet it would, a lot of very had work. Writing that way is much more demanding than summarizing, which is probably why one sees so much summarizing. I also think you have to figure out whose story it is your telling. On one level you're telling Bladen's story, but isn't the real story your telling is that of the taller barrister, and isn't his story something that revolves around the line "A miscarriage of justice beckons"? Which is a really good line. Maybe the line that starts this story. Just some ideas. Hope they are helpful.
Posted 10 years ago on The lift door shuddered shut. The older...
Yeah, a strong sense of immediacy, that's what I wanted. There's a lot of good stuff going on in the story.
Posted 10 years ago on When Barb opened the door, she was slightly taken...
I like this Jamie, and here's an idea for you, maybe something you can fool around with: Look what happens when you start with "(Detective Hale) ran a hand through her lank (unwashed?) hair and pushed past Barb into the small motel room..." and so on. Just an idea, but I do like it.
Posted 10 years ago on When Barb opened the door, she was slightly taken...
I like the tension in this.
Posted 10 years ago on Red had to stop. There was no way she could go on...
You do have a way of writing some really great lines, don't you? "I didn't know that going to her house was going to change that." So good. Very nice piece.
Posted 10 years ago on It was some time later that he called me. He was...
Very well written, Noel. The first line and then the next brief paragraph beautifully establish the voice of the narrator, his place in his world and at the same time his smartness and independence, and integrates the exposition effortlessly. That he's very likeable is also there, and of course that's key. Either you've been doing this for a while or you have a real knack for this sort of stuff. I like it a lot.
Posted 10 years ago on Look. Don't blame me. I told my boss and he told...