Shirley Golden has posted 46 comments
This scene is richly imagined. I wondered if you could add more descriptions of the sounds and smells? At the moment it is predominately visual. I'd be tempted to remove words such as 'idyllic' and 'beautiful' as these tend to tell the reader how to feel, rather than allowing them to decide for themselves. But nonetheless, a strong piece - I could imagine being there!
Posted 10 years ago on The golden summer light had burnt away the...
An intriguing piece, which I really enjoyed. I did want to know more! There were a couple of words I'd be tempted to remove. In the opening paragraph, 'in the stormy night' as your descriptions of the trees and lightning says it all. Also, 'briefly' because 'flashes' implies this. But these are minor points. I love the chalk outline and how much it gives the reader without having to state that she must have been murdered.
Posted 10 years ago on Walking up the winding garden path would have...
I thought this had a great rhythm to it. Loved the long-suffering dad and the ending.
Posted 10 years ago on “For Christmas Dad I want a dragon.” said Suzie...
I enjoyed this - quirky and inventive! Really like the idea of the 'Waterless Above', and I'm pleased the fish didn't get eaten :)
Posted 10 years ago on “A dragon,” Slip shouted, accidentally releasing...
Thanks for your comments, @David Taylor and @Anthony Blackshaw I'll admit it wasn't easy just writing it and posting (I've already gone back and tweaked a bit!). Good to know you both enjoyed it :)
Posted 10 years ago on Riff sharpened his claws on the rocks. He...
Well, this is my first 'proper' burst. I don't usually write something without editing several times before I'd show anyone, but it's good to just write without over thinking. The other dragon stories helped to inspire this piece :)
Posted 10 years ago on Riff sharpened his claws on the rocks. He...
Hi @H.L. Pauff I really enjoyed reading this. You pack a lot into a short piece. I like the fact that nothing is fully explained but still the reader is able to construct a full story from it!
Posted 10 years ago on The jingle played and the graphics flashed across...
@Mark McClelland Sorry for the delayed reply, Mark. Thanks for your comments. I didn't know you could do that on Lulu.
Posted 10 years ago on A Space of Waste Joe kills the clattering...
Hi @Mark McClelland, I enjoyed reading this piece. I thought it had a good sense of rhythm to it and the repetitions worked well for the stream-of-consciousness style. You certainly capture the feeling of stifled desire.
Posted 10 years ago on I'm trying to put my shoes on. Can't you see...
Oh, so sad. You have a strong analogy here, showing the cruelty of the one who holds power. I would cut some of the adverbs and adjectives, and 'loving pruned' should be 'lovingly' (but this is a good example of where it would be stronger if you removed the adverb as, 'tended as if they were her children' says it all). I think present tense works very well and highlights the threat - well done!
Posted 10 years ago on I sit at my mother’s pine kitchen table and gaze...