Jessica Sepple has posted 9 comments
The description of her is beautiful. Her confusion is laced in expertly!
The last line of the first paragraph doesn't make much sense, though it seems to just be a grammar issue. I think it was a simile that just wasn't finished. Your brain was moving faster than your fingers :)
But really excellent! I'm always impressed when someone can fit a twist ending into so few words!
Posted 10 years ago on The woman looked down into the water. She looked...
An extremely intriguing concept. This is something I would read books about!
Just a technical suggestion; start dialogue on a new line, eg.
"Finally!", she said in exasperation, "I've been waiting for hours!"
"Waiting for what, if I might ask?", Ernest replied.
It makes it easier to tell when one character stops talking and another starts.
Also, there are a lot of commas. Commas can be wonderful (I too tend to sprinkle in more than needed) but I feel that many of them could be turned into periods (or semicolons or colons. Whatever works).
But, I really would love to know more about this world and hope there'll be more!
Posted 10 years ago on She stood up and began to walk around the hall...
Thank you all so much! Those are some pretty high compliments! (I mean, jeez! a comparison to Stephen King? Wow!)
Thank you for your time and feed back!
Posted 10 years ago on On Sunday, August 7th, the sun didn't...
I really like these characters. Well fleshed out in less than 500 words. That's pretty impressive. I desperately wan to know why she's a legend and what he has to offer her! The dialogue was well written and the aspect of your story that really created the characters too.
It was a little weird to see commas used in front of "and"s when not in a list. I'm not really sure if there is any actual rule for that but it kind of broke the flow a bit for me.
Posted 10 years ago on The alley to the left seemed to be the only...
The first sentence is so gripping! Such a dark image and it holds so much implication! It's amazing that you could say so much in five words. I wasn't expecting that ending. It was a fantastic twist!
Posted 10 years ago on SLAUGHTER They buried the babies first. As...
I desperately want to know what it is that caused all of this! I love where you started it. The laughter really spooked me and gave me some great creepy imagery. Only thing I would suggest is using spun instead of span in the first paragraph. It's a very archaic term.
Thank you for the brilliant piece!
Posted 10 years ago on Susannah stumbled over a particularly large...
Wow, if this is your first time writing, then color me impressed!
I would suggest using the tab key at the start of your paragraphs. Go a little easier on the 'then's. Example: "David then poured the fresh coffee...". (Also, instead of using a comma consider using a period between "cup" and "he"). The 'then' here isn't needed. Same with the 'Then' that starts the next line. There isn't really a need to put quotations around "off". It comes off as sarcastic, which I'm pretty sure isn't what you're going for here.
But excellent work!
Posted 10 years ago on David slowly lifted his arm out of bed and felt...
I would love any feed back or constructive criticism. Spelling is a definite weak point of mine, so if you notice something I have overlooked, I would appreciate the correction. I hope you enjoyed it and that it was worth your moment. Thank you! :)
Posted 10 years ago on On Sunday, August 7th, the sun didn't...
This has a brilliant opening!
I liked your characters almost immediately. This piece is so economical with it's words and it works wonderfully. There isn't anything unnecessary and that really lets us get caught up in your story. Your humor was well timed and the depth of your characters was well portrayed (The line, "The only invitation I'd had of late was to a furniture shop sale." says so much. I might be reading too far into it but it says so much about this character.)
A fantastic first piece! I look forward to your next!
Posted 10 years ago on When Freddie said he'd found a portal to another...