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Hugo Müller-Downing, 17 Jul '12

She stood up and began to walk around the hall, the heels of her iron boots resonating with the stone floor. She inspected everything, every tiny detail. She saw the paintings hanging on either side of her, the King of Bronze, the King of Gold, the late Prince of Diamond, her forefathers before her. Now she was the only royal left in Bronze, the others had been taken by the war or were out, leading armies through the glistening caverns, past the ancient miners and towards their enemy, the Dawn. The Dawn sought to destroy the dark and deep, all the wonders that lay beneath the earth, including the City of Bronze, and to destroy what lay beneath it.

All her life she had worked with the miners, in the deep caverns beneath the city. She knew how to make the strongest steel, the sharpest sword and the most intricate, seamless, chain mail. With her siblings gone, she was left to look after the city, this kept her inside the castle walls all day and this was one of the rare moments where she found some peace and quiet. Each morning, as soon as the miners began work and the city began waking from its deep slumber, the barons would come, to ask favours of her. They needed more peasants to farm the bedroot, there were too many molesloths burrowing under their fields, the list went on.

Ernest, her senior adviser and an old family friend, entered the throne room. "Finally!", she said in exasperation, "I've been waiting for hours!". "Waiting for what, if I might ask?", Ernest replied.

Comments · 3

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  • Hugo Müller-Downing said...

    I thought of this when I was falling asleep and kept forgetting about it but I finally wrote it down and developed it a little. I'm planning to keep writing this but feel I need to do a little more research/brainstorming before I continue. I'm not very happy with it at the moment but hey, it's a burrst! It's titled, 'The Iron Queen''.

    • Posted 6 years ago
  • Jessica Sepple said...

    An extremely intriguing concept. This is something I would read books about!
    Just a technical suggestion; start dialogue on a new line, eg.
    "Finally!", she said in exasperation, "I've been waiting for hours!"
    "Waiting for what, if I might ask?", Ernest replied.
    It makes it easier to tell when one character stops talking and another starts.
    Also, there are a lot of commas. Commas can be wonderful (I too tend to sprinkle in more than needed) but I feel that many of them could be turned into periods (or semicolons or colons. Whatever works).

    But, I really would love to know more about this world and hope there'll be more!

    • Posted 6 years ago
  • Hugo Müller-Downing said...

    I'm glad you like it! I'm a fan of this kind of fantasy myself and that's why I wanted to try it out.
    I completely agree with you, having never really tampered in dialogue before, I really appreciate the feedback.

    I've always been told that I use too many commas so I'll take a look at that too!

    • Posted 6 years ago