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Abigail Proctor, 14 Jul '12

David slowly lifted his arm out of bed and felt around on the bedside table for the buzzing alarm clock. Was it morning already? It only felt like five minutes ago when he was getting into bed. He eventually found the alarm clock and attempted to press the "off"button but knocked it onto the floor which made a loud clatter. He rubbed his eyes several times but it didn't stop the blurriness. David had drank far too much last night and he knew today was going to be another long day. His head pounded and his mouth felt unbelievably dry, some strong coffee and painkillers would sort him out later on. He rolled over to face the other side of the double bed, but she wasn't there. She hadn't been there for weeks. She should have been because she, Sara, was his wife. 
David stroked her pillow, he missed her terribly and wished he hadn't been so stupid as to  not see the signals. 

Sara had loved David and David had loved Sara. They both had meant every word of their vows but as time passed by and David had got the promotion at work he had worked so hard for, Sara had become less and less important to him. She had had enough and decided to leave. 
He closed his eyes and cursed himself for the millionth time before stumbling out of bed. 

David found his dressing gown and slippers strewn on the floor and slowly made his way down stairs. As he walked, every object reminded him of Sara. The sheep skin rug, the lavender candles, the embroided cushions, the framed wedding pictures, the tea cup sets and her White overcoat, all of these she had left behind just as she had left David behind aswell. 

He slumped down onto the chair nearest the coffee machine and switched it on. He felt helpless and lost and as if he would never be able to do anything properly again. He swallowed some painkillers straight down without water, although he wish he hadn't because the taste was vile. David then poured the fresh coffee into a cup, he didn't drink it, he just stared at it as he realised how much he had ruined his and Sara's life. The tears formed and fell from his eyes. 

Then there was a knock at the door, it startled him and he almost spilled his coffee. He wanted to ignore it but something in his mind told him to answer. David walked over to the front door at a steady pace and placed his hand on the brass doorknob. He pulled open the door and the sight almost made him weak at his knees. He was too overwhelmed with tears and emotion to say anything. He only managed one word,
"Sara..."

Comments · 4

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  • Abigail Proctor said...

    Hi, this is my first burrst and the first peice of writing I've ever written. Feel free to leave any feedback or comments or suggestions on what I can do better next time. Thanks and hope you enjoy :)

    • Posted 5 years ago
  • Anthony Blackshaw said...

    Hi @Abigail Proctor welcome to Burrst. Congrats on a worthy debut - both on Burrst and as a writer.

    In the last paragraph you have two 'almost's - ...he almost spilled... and ...almost made him weak at the knees... - there's nothing wrong with it but the repetition jarred a little for me, perhaps you don't need the second 'almost'?

    Again great burst and I look forward to your next!

    • Posted 5 years ago
  • Jessica Sepple said...

    Wow, if this is your first time writing, then color me impressed!
    I would suggest using the tab key at the start of your paragraphs. Go a little easier on the 'then's. Example: "David then poured the fresh coffee...". (Also, instead of using a comma consider using a period between "cup" and "he"). The 'then' here isn't needed. Same with the 'Then' that starts the next line. There isn't really a need to put quotations around "off". It comes off as sarcastic, which I'm pretty sure isn't what you're going for here.
    But excellent work!

    • Posted 5 years ago
  • Jessica Cambrook said...

    I couldn't believe this was your first time writing! You convey the character's depression really well, you know he feels empty inside and you show that with every action he does. There were a few tiny spelling errors but it didn't take away anything from the story. I loved how you set up his depression and self-pitying before the final paragraph where it was all turned around for a happy ending that made me smile. Good stuff :)

    • Posted 5 years ago