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Kay C., 18 Apr '17

How Dare You

I can only stare in disbelief
At your gall, your sheer audacity
Of trying to waltz back into my life
Like you’d never razed your way out of it
Burning everything down
Until all you left behind was ashes.

You clueless, despicable child
Playing at being a woman
With a lover like you,
Who needs enemies?
You were my worst nightmare
Dragging my self-esteem through the mud
Your words as cutting as
The broken glass of your car window
You blamed me for because
If we hadn’t gone out for lunch
On my birthday
(After you cheated on me)
It wouldn’t have happened
In the first place.

Too raw in my naïvete
I saw you through a half-full glass
Of empathy and excuses
That I continued to make for you
Even while you blamed me for not being pretty enough
Since you preferred skinny girls
And that your friends all said you were too hot for me
I must’ve not been trying hard enough, hey
Even with the six years of bulimia, because
You dumped me that day, on my birthday:
(Again, after you cheated on me, motherfucker)
‘Irreconcilable differences’, I could have worked with
Or even the painful cliché of ‘It’s not you, it’s me’, but
‘You’re just not my type’ is a whole new low when
I’d helped you reconnect with God several times a day
Teaching you all sorts of ways to pray on your knees
On your back, against the wall, in the shower – you know.

Destroyed and devastated
I met someone new
Who saw past this crumpled mess
Of lost, wild-eyed pain
And taught me I could be seen
I could be loved, and
I could be enough.

At least
Until you heard about it.
Possessive and petulant
You didn’t like that
Someone had picked up your discarded toy
Even if you didn’t want me
Nobody else could have me

Suddenly I seemed to matter
Suddenly you found the feelings for me you’d lost
In an alleyway somewhere, a gutter
Like a sodden, forgotten cigarette
Suddenly winning me back seemed to be your new goal
I’d stopped looking backwards
Because I’d found it was so much more exhilarating
To look at the stars through a telescope
And through her eyes
Than at the ruins you made of me

I became the one you wanted all along
The one who got away
Relentless and reckless
You began a new chase
Promising new beginnings
To change all your ways.

When I was single again
Foolish and flattered
I took a deep breath
Poured myself yet another half-full glass
Of empathy and excuses
And believed that maybe
We had both been wrong
And this time, we could both be right
So I made up my mind
And saw the exact moment your interest waned
When you translated my ‘yes’ into ‘conquest’;
You’d won the game
Reclaimed your territory
Won back my heart so you could break it again

Messenger, Facebook, LiveJournal
I slammed all the doors
Bolted them shut
Erased my existence from your life
Like a blank canvas

Wasn’t that what you wanted, though?
Me, out of your life, when it’s convenient for you
Except for the times you changed your fickle pendulum mind
(Again, but, then again, no–
But, wait, really though–)
Drunken and desperate, trying
For one last try, for one last fuck
Don’t delude yourself for even one second
That it was because you gave a shit about me
Or that you’d ever loved me
I know the only woman you’ll ever love
Is the one you see in your mirror
Even now, you wanting closure
You wanting forgiveness
Is about you, you, you
Always you

Tell you what:
You’ve waited ten years
You can wait another ten
And another
And you’ll
Still hear