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Charlotte Williams, 08 Aug '13

There is this tingling in my veins
and it comes and goes as it pleases,
But I swear it only deals with extremes – ice or fire,
and it seeps in and out through the walls of my brain.

It is this invisible substance that keeps warm my blood
and though it is absent for entire seasons at a time
when it returns, it sets forest fires alight
and once it catches inside me, it’s too late,
It may as well turn my blood to molten rock,
To magma that scorches my skin
as it runs tracks over my fragile body
and it circulates until there is an inferno in my veins.

It leaves me burnt out every time,
It leaves me reeling and feral on the bathroom floor,
Vomiting and etching tally marks into my skin,
Worst is I am mostly unchanged in appearance,
Aside from my eyes…
They look as though they’ve seen
this destruction and mayhem a million and one times.

I asked a doctor once,
“why do I burn so violently
Only to be consumed by such a horrific arctic freeze the next day?
It is the difference that makes me yearn to dissect myself
simply to see what it is that makes me feel this way”.
He never answered my question,
but he did prescribe me a healthy dose of citalopram
which I admit, hurt me more than it helped,
but I don’t blame him
not for assuming I needed his help
because I did
and I do,
But you see, I need a different kind of help,

I need to wake up, I don’t want to be put to sleep,
I need to satiate my curious mind,
I don’t want pills to lead me to dead ends and compromise.
I need to be held and talked down
when I am standing at the top of the highest building
screaming blasphemy and rueing the day I was born,
peering over the edge and seeing no more future in the tarmac ground
than there is my pitch black sky
I need sometimes, to be left until the wreckage
becomes a history lesson,
until the caverns in my chest are rebuilt again,
until I can finally to stand to move again
and prepare myself better for when this will happen again.

Comments · 4

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  • Charlotte Williams said...

    I'm really into spoken word poetry at the minute and this is my first real attempt at a spoken word piece. It sounds a lot better spoken than written down but here it is anyway.

    • Posted 6 years ago
  • Orlando Ramos said...

    I read it aloud but I imagine it would sound better coming from the author. Very powerful piece!

    • Posted 6 years ago
  • Charlotte Williams said...

    Thanks for your comment @Orlando Ramos

    • Posted 6 years ago
  • Charlotte Williams said...

    Thanks for your comment @Orlando Ramos

    • Posted 6 years ago