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Pavithra Delhi Babu, 01 Aug '13

                                My Diary Scraps
                                Sorry, Love

        Strange, how we learn certain words in our life; Strangest thing, is from whom we learn it.
                                x---------------------x

I rushed through the passengers waiting for their turn to check-in. The final call has been made for flight 1020. My eyes wondered; If I miss? I cannot think of it. Not now. There he is! I ran to him and gave him the papers.

        “How many times did I ask u?”, his face was pink, his forehead was soaked in sweat.
I didn't hear any further. My conscience started stabbing me. Its all my fault. I could have done that. I should have done this, on and on.

He turned to leave, I slipped by palm into his. Before he could respond, “Sorry” I said in a low clear apologetic voice with my eyes waiting for him.

        “Its OK.”, he said in a hurry and left.

I stood still. My eyes followed him, until misty. Suddenly I felt his thumb over my cheeks,
        
        “Hey” “Sarah“.
I raised my head to manage “ Am Sorr “ , he put his forefinger on my lips. “Dont. “

        “I never knew before, that a Sorry could kill”, he smiled. “Where did u learnt ?” my husband added in a little raised voice as he break into run.

On the way back home, a chain of thoughts swept through my brain, as the spring breeze caressed my curly hair. Suddenly, “Sorry could kill?”; “Where did u learnt ?” echoed through my ears; My heart felt heavy, I miss him more than ever. Neo. How long its been? 10 years. I doubt If I could forget him in next 50 years, if at all I lived that long.
        
        “Neo”, I called out as I entered home after a week's journey. He hugged right on the front porch. I put my hands around his neck and kissed his hair. His smell... Now, all I utter his name is while entering passwords.
        
        “ampersand, ear[E R] -yes[S] - on”, I said when I had to give password. (Sometimes life is weird we couldn't avoid those). “Anderson spelt with ampersand got it. Anderson... ?”, my husband inquired curiously. (Sherlock Holmes!)
“The Matrix? Keanu Reaves..?”, I answered suggestively.

                         x-------------------------x

Strange, how we learn certain words in our life; Strangest part, is from whom we learn it.
        A very common word. A very common argument. Is it worth mentioning? NO, the answer is clear but, still I started penning it.

        Almost all those countless fights, arguments & threats, we make with our loved ones were insignificant. One such insignificant, a common moment; Yet, it seizes to fade, as its been engraved in my memory.
                                 x-------------------------x

Amidst a chaos of open book, I picked one that was in far corner to my right and focussed harder into it. As I took my pencil to take notes, I noticed Neo. He was leaning over the door. Neo asked me for dinner.

        I sprung as I spoke, “Two minutes Bo!”; Not wanting him to wait any further.

                                ********

         Sarah was storming the kitchen cabinets. She would not let him wait. She loves him. Neo is not that type to showcase his love. He teases her and even give her a dirty look, whenever she asks “Do you love me?”.
                                ********

        I placed his plate before him. Neo could refrain from admitting his love but not from showing. After a long day, he wants me around. He would skip his dinner if am not around. Watching him eat from conner of my eye, I cleared the kitchen area; placed the remains back into fridge. Neo has finished his dinner. I ruffled his hair. Then we walked towards the kitchen door.

        “Bo”, he didn't stop. Sometimes he is damn adamant not to listen. Anyway I continued with little raised voice. “Neo! “

“Water?”. He walked straight to bed in perfect rhythm (which otherwise I would have loved) without even lending his ear.

        I lost my vein. He turned his back on me? I want to retaliate.
“I want to lock up the kitchen, Neo! Dont come and ask me to open up later. I have lots to study. ”. I shouted in vain.

                -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
        I went back to study, I had exactly 4 hours left. Let alone the revision, I havent completed studying even once! I couldn't burn the mid night oil; Without at least 6 hrs sleep all my previous preparation will be in vain. There is yet a subject to study. If and only if I complete this one I could be sure of getting through the exam. I wouldn't take a chance!
        
        Am I being optimistic, planning to complete 1/5th of the syllabus in just 4 hr? (While I took 12 hrs each for the other 4.) I ought to complete, I could, only if I concentrate every single second.

        Two hours have passed and am in just as targeted. Only if I maintain same speed, I could finish; otherwise I might not even reach 2/3rd of this. That is when Neo came into my room.
I pretended as if i havent noticed him. He called for me. I gave a stern look. He pleaded.

He begged.

                                ********

Neo, is smart. He is empathetic by nature. He works with the fire rescue team. He is a real hero. Anyone who sets there eye on him will fall for him. He loves his job. Sarah neither liked nor disliked when she first met him.
                                ********

        He begged me for water. Time for revenge. I acted as if I havent seen him. I was determined to win my pride this time. He begged me again. How come he could do that? Oh that look! One moment I was determined not to look at him, the very next moment, am walking to get him water. He won! Adamant, determined devil, he is! I felt failure. Ego, failure resulted in anger.
        

                                ********
        Sarah neither liked nor disliked when she first met him. But she sure was happy holding him. All she uttered at first seeing him was “hey No”. It was his affection, love that made her love him. She named him, “Neo” (after jingling the first two words she uttered!). She calls him “John Anderson”, after 'The Matrix' - hero (Neo his nick name in the movie). Neo, a golden retriever.

        If your thoughts could be understood, do language required? Love is what they share. Half sitted erect posture with one hand little raised above the ground and she knows he needs dinner.
                                ********
I Failed. Yet again I failed. I entered the kitchen, took the bottle and poured him water. Anger, ego, failure were ablaze on my face. “Drink! Go on Drink” I said in a harsh tone.

If ever a sorry showed on a face, its now showing on Neo's. I have now learnt the meaning of a word that we offen utter, so careless “Sorry”; Sorry could only be felt and could't be said.

During my days of mourning after his death, I picked his habit of feeling sorry instead of saying, by this way I feel him alive.

Strange, how we learn certain words in our life; Strangest thing, is from whom we learn it.

Comments · 1

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  • Orlando Ramos said...

    Welcome to burrst, Pavithra! Hope you find everything to your liking here :) Interesting story you have here, and the little twist at the end was great on your part. Only thing that took it away for me was some grammar issues throughout, which made it a little difficult to read. Look forward to your other tales!

    • Posted 6 years ago