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Alex Houghton, 20 Oct '12

He thinks it's depression. Standing there, sitting there, lying there, what else did he think he could do? What else was there to do?

He looked up. Across the street was an Important sign. There were people coming to the city soon. Important people with money. Spare change.

He set his head back to the Wall and closed his eyes. The light sound of rain could be heard in the distance. It was quiet, otherwise. His pitcher was ready, as he'd put it out the night before.

        Any thoughts he wanted to have were soon drowned out. And it sounded like he was about to get wet. His eyes opened. Down the road was a cart, moving towards him at some comfortable speed. He walked into the street. The rain caught him. The cart was close. It began to slow. No one watched.

Comments · 3

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  • Alex Houghton said...

    Hi there! Newcomer here who signed up for this quite a long time ago. And yet I've only just now written something! I don't know much about writing so this was a bit of a venture.
    This story is something that has been in the back of my mind for a while now. In my head, it is just a sub-plot to much bigger ideas. I don't know if I'd have the time or ability to go any further with them, though.
    I thought, in any case, since this is meant to be short, that I would try experimenting with the way I wrote it and did my best to hide some of those ideas. I think it came out alright.

    I hope you enjoyed, and of course, criticism is welcome.

    • Posted 10 years ago
  • Ross Tarran said...

    Hi @Alex Houghton, welcome to Burrst! Nice pacing and atmosphere to this, showing how the beggar is practically invisible to more 'important people'. It seems you know a bit about writing! This certainly has potential to be developed into something longer.

    You use a lot of very short sentences, which can be an effective way to emphasise things, but they feel perhaps slightly overused here. For example, I think the first two sentences of the final paragraph could easily have been one, with a comma in the middle? The short sentences work well at the end though, creating a series of snapshot 'moments', like panels of a comic book/graphic novel.

    The only other things I'd question are the use of capitals in the middle of a sentence for 'Important sign' and 'the Wall', and the indentation of the final paragraph, when the first three aren't indented?

    • Posted 10 years ago
  • Alex Houghton said...

    @Ross Tarran Tarran
    I was indeed going for that "snapshot" feeling and I agree about the comma.
    The capitalizations and indentations were intended. I'm glad you noticed them. The final paragraph is separate from the first three and I needed a way to show that.
    The Wall is Important to him. It is all that he has left of a home.

    Thank you for the feedback!

    • Posted 10 years ago