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Jeff Xilon, 04 Oct '12

Dear Earth,

This is Bill. You remember me? Probably not. But you will. I'm Bill from next door. Bill from down the street, Bill from above the shop. That Bill. But hey, why should you care, right? Who's Bill? Nobody. Bill Nobody you might as well call me.

Well I'm tired of being Bill NOBODY. From now on, what little of that remains, you can just think of me as Lord William of All and Everything. Lord William will suffice in a pinch. So look. I, Lord William, have a bone to pick with you. I'm pissed off you might say. When I was Bill Nobody not one of you gave a damn for me. I was kicked around by everyone and their dog and their dog's sister. So it's payback time.

See, here's the thing you all didn't know about Bill Nobody. He's actually really really smart. He also loved sci fi and all the things coming out of NASA and CERN and all those other scientific alphabetey places. Old Bill, well he payed a lot of attention to that stuff. Got his old wheels spinning, you know?

One of the things he really liked thinking about was all that hysterical talk from so called scientific journalists about "accidental black-holes" and such that might arise from trying to track down the Higgs-Boson or the "god particle" as you peons probably called it. Of course, it was all crap. Wasn't going to happen. But it got me thinking. Yep, that minor bit of semi-knowledgeable hipster paranoia greased Bill Nobody's wheels real good. Got that old rusty trap upstairs clacking away again.

And do you know what it got me thinking about? Those black holes. Just how cool would it be if someone could unleash some small sized black holes, not by accident, but on purpose. How cool would that be?

I bet you see where this is going now don't you? Oh yes I bet you do. Even your pathetic little hamster wheels must be able to turn that idea over a few times.

So let's cut to the chase. Yeah, I did it. I figured it out. And that's why there won't be a Bill Nobody to kick around any more. So you'd better get used to the new name: Lord William of All and Everything. It does have a nice ring to it.

Lord William's got his own little black hole maker. I even went all Japanese car maker and figured out how to make it work in a nice small package. Portable even, after a fashion. So I'm calling the shots around here now. You're all going to do what I say and give me what I want, and use the new name!, or I'm going to unleash all kinds of hell. I'll start with small, temporary ones just so you really know I wasn't kidding. And if that doesn't get you all in line, well, I might just have to start going large scale. How'd you like to see New York or London or Buenos Aires all sucked up into a black hole? What's that going to do for your precious stock market?

So here's the first demand. I'm sure most of the people reading this are completely unimportant, not much better than Bill Nobody was. You're not the people I need to be talking with. I want the folks who can get things done and fulfill my demands. I'm holding the Earth hostage here - peons are not who I want to talk to. But, well. I don't really know how to get in touch with those important people. I think my emails are getting caught in their spam filters and well I don't really have many Facebook friends (hi Mom!) or twitter followers. My G+ circles are woefully small. You get the idea. So look. If you don't want the world destroyed you'd better forward this to all your friends (10 at least), like it on Facebook and tweet the hell out of it. And if anyone can explain to me how to get Tumblr working I'll give you a small country or something to play with once all the world leaders have agreed to acknowledge me as overlord of the planet.

So get moving. Your stupid little world is in danger here folks! Help get me noticed, or else!


Lord William of All and Everything

Comments · 5

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  • Jeff Xilon said...

    Hello, hoped you liked the story. It came from a writing prompt app I have on my iPhone that said "Write a letter from the angriest person in the world". So this is what came from that. Please feel free to leave comments or critiques. I don't mind criticism. So if something good or bad about the story moved you to write something let me know, I always like reading what people do and don't like about my work.

    • Posted 10 years ago
  • Anthony Blackshaw said...

    The last paragraph and the note on Tumblr made me laugh out loud - I've been through the pain of customising my own tumblr blog for Burrst.

    • Posted 10 years ago
  • Jessica Cambrook said...

    This was such an original idea! Really unique form of the armageddon, from the most hipster terrorist on the (soon-to-be-gone) planet. For me, I would have enjoyed this better in third person. As a first person, I didn't like the character I was supposed to be connecting with as he seemed conceited and condescending. As a third person, I could have laughed along with the sarcastic narrator, poking fun at the character we aren't supposed to like. Apart from that, I loved it! The quick pacing, the modern references to wanting internet fame, etc. Great :)

    • Posted 10 years ago
  • Mary Beth W. said...

    Made me laugh out loud :) Good job!

    • Posted 10 years ago
  • Jeff Xilon said...

    Thanks for the comments folks. Sorry Anthony and Jessica that I didn't say so earlier. @Jessica Cambrook, thanks for the ideas about first and third person. That's an interesting idea that I hadn't thought of before - that it's easier to put up with a character we don't like in a 3rd person narrative than a 1st. Glad I could make people laugh!

    • Posted 10 years ago