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Charlotte Williams, 07 Sep '12

There are corners of my mind that are frayed,
And I pay them no mind as their light bulbs crack and fade.
As Queen, I let the suburbs decay, focus centrally
on the more affluent parts of my brain.
I fill up on rich knowledge as food for thought,
And allow the poor and fragile emotions to suffer and starve.
I had a plan that I would follow to the last letter:
I will proceed forward in education, work, I will be better,
I will internalise my pain, this external sadness,
I will extradite it to the icy pits of my heart and let it rot.
Little did I know what a stench it would leave,
That it would explode, erupt and forever maim me.

But I was born into this gloomy shade,
I got trapped in a rut, paralyzed, damaged and chained.
I was born into stone; I am a stillborn, waiting
to grow when I won’t, I’ll just slip away.
Pull the pin and trigger me off, you’ll see,
like a disease, sadness spreads and it infects the rest of me.
The frayed corners of my mind have not been cleaned very well,
My empty chorus echoes in my mind, I long for it to re-colour,
fill and rewind, but spider webs have formed in my mind,
it gets easier to believe it would be simpler to freeze and die.
I save face while from inside, I’m ripped apart,
I get so dark, I’ve got this still, barely beating heart.

I was so ready, sensible, I was
going to conquer the world but how the hell can I
when I can’t even conquer myself? My demons inside,
People say it gets better, but they lie.
I pen more words but they seem pointless now,
Days turn to months, I empty myself of blood, cleanse myself of pain,
I swear, this isn’t any fairytale, I’ll save myself
I’ll rise like a phoenix from the ashes, from the dust, I’ll set the darkness
that roared alight. I fell down and I survived
the darkest days, the darker nights,
I saved myself,
no suicide.

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