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Mikey Jackson, 04 Sep '12

Have You Seen Our Cat? by Mikey Jackson.

You’ve got the blues. You miss me. You want me to come home, I know that. But I can’t.

Why? Because I have issues.

I didn’t want to leave. I lived a life of luxury in that warm, clean, spacious house of yours. But you left me no choice.

For starters, diet. Cow’s milk? I mean, come on, get real. Do I look like a calf? And served in a saucer? What was that all about?

When it wasn’t milk, it was plain, boring water. You call that looking after me?

Us cats are pretty partial to a drop of beer, you know. Not that you ever offered me any.

Oh, and while I’m on the subject of diet, what was that muck you served me daily out of those tins? Chicken and fish flavour? Don’t make me laugh.

I was forced to go out and hunt for food. And yes, I chose mice and birds, just to conform to stereotype. Ho hum. Mind you, it was hilarious seeing your faces when I’d dump my kill on your carpet. Classic.

Oh, and talking of dumping, did you seriously expect me to do my lavvies in that litter tray? Huh, that gravel stuff was murder on my undercarriage. Maybe you should try it sometime.

Besides, doing my doodies behind the sofa was always much more fun.

I’ve seen the posters you stuck up on every lamppost, every postbox, every shop window in the area.

"Have you seen our cat?"

Touching.

And yes, I admit, it did bring a lump to my throat.

Oh, sorry, no, that was just a fur ball.

Funnily enough, with my face on so many billboards, I’m quite the celebrity these days. All my fellow felines want to hang out with me. In fact, I’m on the VIP guest list of every dustbin for miles. How cool is that, huh?

Look, I understand, I really do. You’re hurting badly. You want me back more than anything, you’ve made that perfectly clear. Seeing my face again would chase away those blues and bring sunshine back into your life. But I’m sorry. I won’t be coming home.

Why? Simple. One word.

Tiddles.

Seriously? Tiddles? What did you call me that for?

My name is Darren.

But I can’t tell you that, can I?

Because I’m a cat.

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